This post is called Cats Never Learn. I've lived with my cat, The Duchess, since February of '89, or about 15 years for those of you who may be math impaired. In all that time, you'd think she'd have figured out a few things that she's experimented with on a daily basis - I mean, that's over 5000 days, right? But here are some things she's never figured out:

• Contary to your experience, you can't actually make a door open by staring at it.
• Despite what you believe, the grass is not greener on the other side of the door.
• When you eat grass, you throw up.
• I've never fed you in the bathroom.
• Our house has approx. 1400 square feet of free floor space. You take up less than one square foot, as do my two feet... with better than a 1 in 1500 chance, why are you always underfoot?
• There's nothing for you in the refrigerator, so I've closed it on your head something like 15,000 times with no positive feedback.
• Those speakers over there that I blew half my student loan on are not scratching posts!
• Litterboxes are not for losers who can't mark their own territory.

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Zug (?) had a prank this week where they pretended to be a 10-year old boy with a class assignment in Government, and they wrote to all of the US Senators and asked them what their favorite jokes were, and here are three of my favorites:

Q: What did the number zero say to the number eight?
A: Nice belt!

Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?
A: Because it got out of the pen!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.

One of the old jokes that I still love is:

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine.

Then there's the one I made up for Emily when she was about 2 1/2:

Q: What do you call someone who counts kitchens?
A: A kitchen counter.

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Here's another rare photoblog update. It's all about Asparagus, trying to get healthy, flowers, and Emily. We've got real Asparagus growing out in the garden, but it comes up like one stalk at a time, so we cut them off and save them in a glass of water in the refrigerator. They're still fresher than store-bought, and they really make your pee stink.

I've been working out for the last couple of weeks, and at nearly 42 years old, working out for the first time in a couple-three years, waking up stiff doesn't mean quite the same thing as it used to! So I'm showing you a recent breakfast - 'Old Chris' would have had two or three eggs and half a package of Jimmy Dean sausage, and no juice or melon.

The flowers are self-explanatory, and there's a picture of the garden with the new batch of compost about to be dug in.

The Emily pics in this batch are pretty neat. When I was weeding to prep the garden for planting, I caught a little red snake with a grey belly (they tell me it's a Red Racer), and Emily wasn't scared to handle it at all... she thought it was 'pretty cool, Dad.'

Asparagus from our garden in the fridge!	Asparagus in the Wild	Healthy Breakfast?
Freesias	Pond with Hyacinths	Perfect Reuben
Garden w/Compost	Snake Handler	Here He Is.

Oh, by the way, the Reuben sandwich is a nod to St. Patrick's Day - I love Reubens, so I alway buy a big Corned Beef when they're on sale. This week, they were $1.89 a pound.

The recipe is easy. Get a piece of Corned Beef. Boil it to death, maybe 3-5 hours over a low flame. Slice thin on Rye bread with sliced Swiss Cheese and drained Sour Kraut. Butter inside and out, add sauce below, and grill in a pan over medium heat until evenly brown.

My Secret Sauce Recipe:

• Miracle Whip Dressing
• Ketchup
• Worcestershire Sauce
• Squeeze of fresh Lemon Juice

Blend about 2/3 Miracle Whip to 1/3 Ketchup with a couple of teaspoons Worcestershire to a smooth orange-brown. Enjoy!

posted by Chris at 11:13 PM Permalink